Shadow Wolves II: The Thracian Caul

–Shadow Wolves II: The Thracian Caul–

 Man.I suck at blogging. But let’s not dwell on that and move swiftly onward. I was talking last time about the paint scheme of the Shadow Wolves and I stupidly forgot to tell you the actually mix I use. With a base of Liche Purple I mix in somewhere between 25-50% Warlock Purple, the resulting colour is very close to the Liche Purple but it has a lighter hint in it. The silver areas are your usual silver make up, Boltgun and Mithril. I have also introduced some gold into the scheme in places. You can see better how this looks below.

–The Thracian Caul.–

This is totally my first update or indeed my first input at all for this campaign, so it may be a long and image heavy post. My 850 point army list, which was made by butchering my 1500 point list, reads as follows;

Troops 1:

5 Man Tactical Squad

+ Sergeant (Powerfist)

+ Razorback and Twin-linked Assult Cannons and extra armour.

= 205

Troops 2:
10 Man Tactical Squad with melta-gun and missile launcher
+ Sergeant (Powerfist)

+ Rhino with extra armour.


Fast Attack:

5 Man Assult Squad

+ Sergeant (Powerfist + combat shield)


Heavy Support:

Devestator Squad (2 Lascannons, 2 Missile Launcher)

+ Sergeant (Melta bombs)

+ Razorback (Twinlinked Lascannons


Total: 855

As for progress with this, I am awaiting shipment of most of the units, I have however almost finished Troops 1.

Sergeant X

He needs some help. He is in dire need of a name and a colour for his robes/skirt thing. I cannot decide upon either thing, so any and all suggestions are welcome. I also need a name for my HQ choice a Chaplain, if you are the sort who is good with names. Also I know he doesn’t actually have a powerfist. I was going to keep them to the set up, but then some had to change for the smaller list, -and- some didn’t look as good with their points value weapons –and- I didn’t have enough power-fists of the right sides and what not. So I went for looks with the models.

Guy 2

Guy 3

Guy 4

Guy 5.

Look. Look at this guy. He is the group slacker. Totally hasn’t even got his knickers on. Psh.

Troops Choice One. I have not decided if I am going to give my Units names yet. But if I do, this is the first one. I am quite proud for a first attempt at painting.

Published in: on March 26, 2012 at 11:15 pm  Comments (4)  

Shadow Wolves

I have been promising this for a long time. Both a blog post and this particular one. So. Let us do this. The Shadow Wolves were first mentioned in Helreach by my darling husband Aaron, where Grimaldus recalls them dying like bugs to, well, bugs. Here are what the facts tell us so far:

Chapter 5 – Fire in the sky

Page 75
Its name had been in nobler years, The Purest Intent. A strike cruiser constructed on the minor forge world of Shevilar and granted to the Shadow Wolves Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes. It had been lost with all hands, captured by xenos raiders, thirty-two years before the Third War for Armageddon.

Page 76
‘Shadow Wolves’ Grimaldus cut him off. The knight’s vox-voice was harsh and mechanical, betraying no emotion. ‘The Black Templars were with them at the end.’
‘The end?’ asked Cyria Tyro
‘They fell at the battle of Varadon eleven years ago; their last companies were annihilated by the tyranid-breed xenos.’

Grimaldus closed his eyes and relished the momentary drift of focus into memory. Varadon. Blood of Dorn, it had been beautiful. No purer war had ever been fought. The enemy was endless, soulless, merciless…utterly alien, utterly hated, utterly without right to exist. The knights had tried to fight their way to join up with their brother chapter, but the enemy tide was unrelenting in its ferocity. The aliens were viciously cunning, their swarming tides of claws and flesh-hooked appendages smashing into the two Astartes forces and keeping them isolated from each other. The Wolves were there in full force. Varadon was their home world. Distress calls had been screamed into the warp by astropaths weeks before, when their fortress monastery fell to the enemy.

Grimaldus had been there at the very end. The last handful of Wolves, their blades broken and their bolters empty, has intoned the litanies of Hate into the vox-channel they shared with the Black Templars. Such a death! They chanted their bitter fury at the foes even as they were slain. Grimaldus would never, could never forget the Chapters final moment. A lone warrior, a mere battle brother, horrendously wounded and on his knees beneath the Chapters standard, keeping the banner proud and upright even as the xenos creatures tore into him.
The War Banner would never be allowed to fall while one of the Wolves yet lived.
Such a moment. Such honour. Such glory, to inspire warriors to remember your deeds for the rest of their own lives, and to fight harder in the hopes of matching such a beautiful death.


So. That is all that is written of the Shadow Wolves to date. Now let us take a look backstage and take a little clearerlook at where they came from. I am sure many of you know Aaron, I, and a few foolish friends, have a ‘Thing’ going on, where we make armies and jazz. So years back when Helreach was just a bogus layout in an Editors email, Aaron and I were having what had become a commonplace discussion in our house. The discussion of what army I was going to make. I could not decide you see. I liked the lore of X army, and the colours of J army and the nameof Z army, and it was getting very messy. I believe it was dear Jim Swallow who one night suggested I just make my own chapter, it’s what all the cool kids do.

As I am sure you all know by now, I am not a very cool kid. However I know a few cool kids, so I went to them. Namely the one I have biggest sway over and asked for his help in creating said chapter. So Aaron asked me for a list of things I liked and so the Shadow Wolves were born. I did this in a very backwards fashion, too, the lore came last, what came first was, of course, the appearance (I am a girl, I won’t deny it). I have long since been a fan of the Luna Wolves, so much so I named my nightmare of a cat, Loken. So they were one of the first thing into the mix, with the fact that I also love wolves and their symboltry and aspects.  I also loved the idea of the Night Lords and their darker aspects and fear tactics etc. So I assume that is where Shadow Wolves comes from.

In terms of style of fighting and legion orgin. I am a big lover of the Black Templars models and lore, so the Shadow Wolves, as mentioned are a brother chapter of theirs, both born of the Imperial Fist Legion. I have always thought of Black Templars as akin to Warrior Priests, these guys are similar, though were the Templars are more priestly and devoted, the Wolves are more on the warrior side. The Temples door guards, as it were. My current HQ choice is a jumppack Chaplain, and I can see them having those chained books and libarians amoung their number, those I don’t have any on mine at the moment. They also excell at defence tactics over other styles.

If I have missed anything, or you want to ask anything more, give me a shout in the comments. I likely have missed -alot-. But onto pictures.

Published in: on September 22, 2011 at 7:48 pm  Comments (9)  

Black Libary Live 2011

Black Library Live started early for me. After getting in from work at 6 on Thursday and spending the next few hours frantically running around cleaning, printing boarding passes and packing, I got about two hours sleep before 4am reared its ugly head and mewed in my direction. The drive to the airport was cold even tucked under my travel blankey, and filled with annoyance at the New Car still having that auto scan radio thing that keeps moving it off my favourite station.

The airport and flight were as usual and the lovely BL Taxi-guy was his lovely self. We went and poked Nick when we got in at around 8am, surprised to find anybody was in the office at all. Then retired to Bugmans to await it to open for Breakfast at 10. This is when I caved, snoozing for half an hour, only to awake and my find my darling husband-to-be has wandered off. After waiting a sizeable amount of time, or rather until my anxieties started being a problem to keep a handle on I went to the bathroom and freshened up, this may also be considered hiding. Once my courage was restored I ventured forth once more. But no Aaron, I did however find something else, while wandering the Games Hall. A RayeRaye! Who graciously invited me over to see her army, and I must admit, though I hear they do not fare so well in Battle the ‘Mighty Nighties’ defiantly look the part. As does Harry’s Nurgle army, but I am not going to speak of them as it is early and my stomach has not yet settled enough for such talk.

Then the Splendid Sarah arrived with Small Son and Handsom Ben, much hugging was had and Harry gave her his conversion of her cover art which rocks just as hard as chocolate spread on toast, and Space Mahreen ear-rings, which I am green with envy over. We decided that being about 11, and after my sob story of being lost and ergo having missed the Bugmans breakfast hour Super-Sarah got me a coke and a cookie. This was perhaps, or so I thought at the time, the best breakfast, ever. Then came the days first challenge, how to get to the train station to retrieve an Emma, Sarah in her infinite wisdom asked the Barman, whom by the way had the most awesome ginger hair and a plaited beard. Now he did indeed give us instructions and they did indeed seem simple. This was a different matter however when it came to actually doing it, I think we lapped the train station about three times before we managed it. Emma retrieved we headed back to Bugmans, only to find Dan and Aaron had appeared from the mists, apparently having their pre-meeting coffee. Words were shared then Nick came to collect them and off they went to discuss ‘Things.’

Meanwhile at the cool table we were left to chatter, and like one of those fizzy Neon blue lights we attracted people. These people, it turns out were Bolthole Forumites. ( See ) Among them were Phoneix, Narry, and I believe Greg and perhaps even Squiggle (Who, by the way, is not a girl.) Baked potatoes were had, then more Games were played next door, I believe Small Son’s Orcs trampled Handsome Ben’s Imperial Guard. Then the card games began, and these got a bit headed and almost frantic as people amassed around us. I missed playing Apples to Apples having to go and do hotel check-ins, but vowed to return later. And I did, dinner and drinks were had, talk was discussed, the lovely Ragnar joined us, and when Bugmans eventually kicked us out Emma and I wandered back up the canal to our hotel to await the return of Aaron and the rest. It was 1 by the time I actually got to sleep after Jim Swallow made me writhe in my seat with envy over his stories of meeting the Battlestar cast, excusing my 20 minute nap this left me awake for almost 21 hours. I slept like a log, until the coughing started. I loath this cold.

Breakfast was yummy as always and taxis were booked. This is where all the to-ing and fro-ing of the Staff, carrying sofa’s and tables and chairs and all sorts through Bugmans the previous day came into play. Everything had moved! None the less we were shown to the green room, to drop off bags and coats and the like, before a selection of editors came to collect the selection of authors for their requires seminars and signings. Emma and I trotted off to see what the craic was. After a quick overview of the new set up and deciding Sarah must be in the Writing for BL seminar we decide it was high time for cookies. Mid-cookie munching Dan joined us for a natter before his Signing, we discussed his hidden words. We also looked at Eldar models for Emma and the Shop-guy, Jamie sadly told her the best way to use these to kill Space Marines, I hereby formally apologise to almost everyone in our campaign. Then we went to see Dan’s Q and A, which having never read Gaunts Ghosts made me desperately want to, and built a Guard army along side this. I fear reading these books; however, for until now, I have maintained my calm around Mr Abnett, I have projected an image of cool, or at least calm. AKA I didn’t squeak ‘HI DAN ABNETT.’ However I fear this may end of I read Gaunts Ghosts as it sounds like exactly the kind of thing that would turn me into a drooling fan-girl. Dan said 4 of the five chosen words, but he totally didn’t hide them, the opposite in fact. He was however the only one I caught, as I missed Graham and Aaron did none, so he wins the word battle.

We sadly had to miss Graham, this was not intended but we were starving, and Bugmans was so full that by the time we got the food we ordered we missed the HH seminar too. Sad Panda. Thank you, also, to the nice Boltholer who let us steal the end of his table so we could eat.

I think I have mistimed and cannot be bothered to go back, but there was one point during this day when I queued to see Aaron. People kept asking me why I was queuing and didn’t my pass thing mean I didn’t have to, and yes it does, but sometimes the easy way is boring. And I was correct the queue, despite being an hour long was highly enjoyable, and this is not –only- because lovely people kept bringing me brownies and cakes and the like, but also for the company. For this I have to give a special mention to the wonderful Greg, whom I recall from Titan crew exploits last year and Xhalax’s brother whom I cannot recall ever being given a name for. None the less they were very entertaining, and kindly kept our space while we went to buy books. Yes, we got in the queue without any actually books. An hour later, my darling fiancé signed the first book he’s ever signed for me. Or rather for our friend Steve whom it was then to be sent to, but the thought was there.

The ever-lovely Phil caught us on our way back out again, where Emma stopped to by an Eldar poster, and was asking if my tag didn’t mean that I, you know, didn’t have to queue, I said it does, but I was trying to live on the wild side and so gave my tags to him, where they were without doubt put to better use.

The last thing we did was to go to Aaron’s Q and A, where I sat and cringed on Marketing’s behalf and made mental note to work on his manners. Then we wandered around to the big Hall which was by now almost bizarrely empty, Aaron got some more Fan-made miniatures which were incredible (Note to self I must do a post with our growing squad of Talos’) and eventually we all bailed for dinner and games in Bugmans. There was much drinking, much laughing, and I persuaded three of them to come join our guild in their drunken agreeable state. Win, win, I feel.

Sunday came too soon but was welcomed in with what is to this day ‘The Best Breakfast’ I have ever had, thanks to the lovely Mr Smilie, and then we chilled for an hour in Bugmans where I met the Ultra Sweet girlfriend of the Ultra Cool Mr Goulding, and care of Phil scoured the Space Mahreens codex for possible ways to fit my Vet Squad and my Tech-marine into my army without gimping everything else. But this is another story for another day.

Highlights and Special Mentions;

–         RayeRaye’s cakes; I had a Mystery Legion.

–         Craig’s flapjacks and brownies (At least I think it was Craig).

–         Apples to Apples. I must get this game.

–         Splendid Sarah; Navigator extraordinaire.

–         Bugmans Cookies.

–         Finally getting to talk to John French.

–         Trevor. I need say no more.

–         Josh for being a trooper.

–         Dan, Jim, Rob and Graham, for as always being so friendly and entertaining.

–         Andy, George, Nick, John, Christian, Vince and ALL of the BL staff for as always putting on a wonderful event and still having time to be lovely and eat cake.

–         Handsome Ben, for secrety secretness.

–         Caroline for being a sweetheart.

–         Small Son for the sheer awesome.

–         Ragnar, Phil, Squiggle, Ross and all the others crowed and stuffed around out table for company of such a standard needs a special mention.


It was a soul-destroyingly tiring weekend but I would not re-do a moment of it. Thank you all for making it wonderful and I hope to see you all again soon.


[[Note; I just saw a comment or two I missed and I feel bad for not posting in so long, I was on a bid not to make excuses on the basis that I have no good ones, but I shall try to update more regularly, help me out with this by throwing my way any suggestions for posts you’d like to see in the future! Thanks you all.]]

Published in: on March 14, 2011 at 12:02 pm  Comments (8)  

A drumroll, please.

The Adepticon post is here! And shall return to you shortly after this brief newsflash.

1 week. 0 Smokes. AND no body count.

Amazed? Me too.

Back to business!


Well. I won’t be forgetting that one any time soon. However this tale starts simply, as many of its kin-tales do. With a very bland and unexciting drive to the airport, thankfully at 8am not 4am this time. We arrived at 10, got through the pain in the ass that is security, as I ran over and over my list in my head; ”Passports? Yes. ESTA? Yes. Insurance? Yes. Aaron? Yes.” etc.

And off we hoped to London. Where, much to our disappointment we couldn’t find a Burger King, regardless of it being 10am. So we opted for sandwiches. I then spent a tenner on drinks and suckable sweets out of fear of the nightmare to come. I have never been to America. In fact the longest plane journey I have been on was three hours. This one? This one was three times that and change. Without a smoke. The fear.

However it wasn’t as horrid as I thought it would be. The food was decent, I was much-too-excited-to-be-consider-sane about the little pillow and blanket packet you get, and the headphones and the radio do-da on your arm-rest. It was like being in a sweet shop. But you know, I was having fun. I was still having fun as I watched a movie I cannot recall the name of, that made me sob like a baby and look utterly stupid to everyone else on the plan who couldn’t see my screen or hear my headphone or know that it was a tragically sad moment, because they were watching Fantastic Mister Fox. Like Aaron. I was STILL having fun with my surprisingly yummy sections and pre-packed dinner.  Each little thing in it’s own little wrapper. OCD heaven. Butter got a bit runny and sticky though, that wasn’t as fun. Then I tried to have a little snooze. This however, despite blanket and pillow was a lot harder than I thought, and passed very little time. This is about when it got less fun. My lips got dry and I got really thirsty and my three bottle supply was running low. So I watched Fantastic Mister Fox to cheer me up, and honestly? It was good, but I don’t see what all the raving was about.

None the less, over NINE FRIGGING HOURS later, we landed in America-Land. Then came Immigration. Which was. Fun. This guy looks like humor and the resulting smile might break his face and make him shatter into a million pieces.  tried to be friendly, as I do, and the glare. Well. I shut up and did what he said and ran away, feeling like a criminal. I do find it amusing however that the American police now have a copy of my fingerprints, but the Local ones don’t and I have lived here all my life. Suckers.

Then we got a taxi, which was stupidly expensive as it was ”After hours” or off-peak or something. I was about to turn around ”Dude, its 7pm here? What? Fare and a half is for like…1am and later.” Not in the states. Then came the real fun, after that long-ass flight, no smokes for over 10 hours. Being up since 7am and your body telling you its pushing 1am while your watch tells you 8pm, we arrived at the hotel to no room. Which result in a crazy dig through my bag for ”That piece of paper with emergency numbers on it” which of course, was at the bottom. Panicked texts and called to all sorts, but thankfully the wonderful Nick Kyme got hold of the wonderful Vince and they  made everything better again. By 8.30pm America time, Aaron was unconscious in bed and I was watching T.V in a bid to try and fix my body-clock.

Dudes. You have a lot of adverts. Like…every three seconds. And they are…bizarre.

No one has answered this for me yet, but why do they cut to adverts right before the last line of a show, do the adverts them cut back just to roll credits. WHY?! I SAT AND WATCHED 3 MINUTES OF ADVERTS JUST TO GET THE CREDITS?!

I felt cheated. I went to bed. This is where it gets good however. The next day started good and got better. How is a morning -ever- good you ask? Very simple. When it begins with chocolate and blueberry pancakes, delivered right to your bed. That’s how. We wandered down stairs and found Hank, overlord of Adepticon, and he gave us the tour, and free t-shirts (Thanks Hank!), and most importantly, directions to the ”Mall”. A ”Mall”. Not a shopping Center. Not ”The shops”. A ”Mall”. I think I have made my point.

So spent the morning wandering around this huge shopping center, only to return and find out we went to the tiny one. Guys that place was as big as a village. Kilskeery, the hamlet we reside in, would fit inside it.  We then found Vince. I was also under the impression Vince would be this slick biker guy, I do not know why that is the impression we got. But none the less we met Vince and he was not a biker, in fact Vince was utterly lovely, and treated us far too well for the entire lenght of our stay, starting with an amazing dinner on the Thursday night. Full of stories, advice, insights and wisdom. He was great. Aaron bailed after dinner to do some writing. I swallowed my eye-roll and went to help Vince set up the book stall, I like to earn my keep see. Us hardworking Irish folk.

I later returned to the room to find Aaron, paper and pen sprawled in disarray across the bed sleeping like a rock.  Good job too as we started at 9 the next morning. Fueled heavily by coffee. This is the bit that is hard to explain or re-tell in any way that does it justice. So I’ll be brief, Aaron signed book, colored in cover pages and dark his weight in coffee. I too drank far too much caffeine and helped Vince sell books, while we talked and mingled with the folks at the stall. We did get to meet Commissar Ploss, AKA David. Who is a giant. I mean, Aaron, who is 6ft thought he was tall. I felt like a midget, at 5ft3. David however is lovely. Him and Aaron spend a good deal of the day in tears with laughter, while me and Vince looked on like disapproving parents. It was great.

Then that night 40k radio invited us out to dinner with their bunch, at this awesome place called Rock Bottom. Which did black Nacho’s. Excellent food, music and company, couldn’t as for more. I spent a good deal of time getting broody as Nathan retold tales of his beautiful twins and oggling over pictures. After which we all returned to their hotel room. I don’t know how many of you listen to 40k radio but I quote:

”Dude that tiny little red-head drank you under the table!”
”Yeah but’s she’s Irish!”

Love and cuddles to Spencer and Chiply, I’m still constantly surprised anyone remembers my name let alone anything else so when I heard that, well, the squeal brought Aaron running into the room, fear on his face. But no,  much beer was drank and in my cake, vodka. At this stage I want to point out that the main thought I brought him from America was: ”I knew there was a reason I don’t drink Vodka anymore.”

Yes. Well.

I usually drink Magners, Strongbow, etc. Cider. Now I can drink as much of that as I like and be 100% fine. However. In America-land, they don’t have alcoholic cider, you have to ask for ‘Hard-Cider’, two reason’s this didn’t work, Cider is the same strength as beer, I would have feel like a FOOL asking for -hard- cider. Secondly, when I did work up the guts, they didn’t have it.  So. With my very limited tastes and no in the mood for wine. I resorted to Vodka, which was fine on Friday night. I was up at 9am on Saturday and ready to go! Aaron however was not. And in such, though some odd mishap I still don’t quite understand, in his napping absence the Gamer’s Lounge Podcast guys shocked me, by one, knowing who I was, secondly, by reading this, and thirdly by actually having looked at my photography. Words would not come, and in such times they roped me into doing a podcast in Aarons absence. I jest. Bill and Jay were lovely, terrified as I was, they were really very, very cool, and I was so flattered and chuffed the wanted to talk to me. It was these dudes that took us out to Hooters that night, and got wings. After buying Peeps in Target earlier that day, by the time we got to Hooters I felt like I had ‘Done America.’

Which says only one thing about me. Too many sitcoms.

It was great fun, it was also great fun watching Erin hammer Jay as he taught her to play and I picked up a fair bit of it myself. Oh! I missed something. Saturday morning. I wandered around to see Nathan play Blood Bowl. This was mostly due to him havnig showed me his army the night before and I wanted to see how his Orc boyz with their Ash and Pikachu markers would fare. Hey guess what?

It was really fun!

So a big thank you to both Nathan and his opponent for letting me tag along, I am determined I can at least get a blood bowl army on the go before next time we meet. Because, frankly, I want to kick orc-boy-butt at football too.

After ooters, we bailed back to our room with a few of these wonderful gents. Now. I had said to myself I’d just have half the bottle. but somewhere between opening it and getting to halfway, reasonable thought went out the window and I damn near topped the whole bottle off. So, needless to say, and to help save Spencer’s Reputation a little bit, it was me who spend a good deal of Sunday in bed. Not 15 hours, but, it wasn’t pretty. So there you go, even the best of us fall.

Thankfully, this disappeared before Monday. Because really? I didn’t fancy eight hours in a air less box while hungover. We got into the taxi at the Hotel at noon on Monday, American time. We arrived home at noon on Tuesday, our time. We also arrived home to 5 inched of snow.

What the fuck? We leave for a week and you break the weather?

Regardless of the craziness of foot deep snow in April, it was not a high priority at the time, what was, was bed. And it was good.

All in all, it was a totally amazing weekend, and it kept us ladies at work entertained over coffee for days. I had an fantastic time. Everyone was amazingly friendly and welcoming. Thank you all so much for having us it was truly an honor to meet you all.However;

”Honey, stop scaring the Americans.”

I might never live this down.

Published in: on April 8, 2010 at 12:08 am  Comments (7)  

Rehab is for Quitters

Sadly this is not a Post-Adepticon entry, though that will be coming in the next few days, for today I have bigger news. Albeit less Game related. I have quit smoking. This is another step in the ‘Building a life’ process  have been under taking for years now. So far, so good, I have bagged a full-time job I love, which I will also go into more detail on in another entry, I will be starting my course very soon, I have a testing but wonderful Fiance whom I love, I have my own house and am day by day edging closer to the upper more relaxed borders of finincally stable.  work, I cook, I clean, I pay my own bills and I game. I am woman. Hear me roar.

However, there are more ‘Steps’ I have yet to breech, one being Driving, but we will get to that another time, for now we have smoking and dieting. Lets do this.

Smoking. And lack thereof.

I have been smoking about 5 or 6 years. I don’t smoke that much, about 10 a day. A few years ago however this peaked to roughly 20 or more a day, being that smoking, for me eases my anxiety. I am a very anxious person. Being able to step outside for five minutes, itself made me feel better, then the nicotine’s ‘downer’ properties and chemicals more so.  And at the time in recovery with little other way to vent it, I smoke a lot more.

I have estimated that I will save almost two thousand pounds a year by quitting. I also want to quit before my wedding, and have always vowed to myself that I will never smoke with intention of having kids. Not that Aaron and I are planning this but should it come along, I will be prepared in advance.  Also, now having a job around children is a big influence.

The plan, however, and you guys need to know this because you need to keep me on track and hopefully not get mad when I get frustrated, anxious and bitchy, is a conbination of a few things.

1. Replacement therapy – If I feel I NEED to go outside for a smoke, I am going to instead go and have a Citrus green tea or a walk, or a walk WITH tea, who knows. This is also supplementary to part two of this blog; Dieting, as it is a detoxing tea. Win-Win.

2. Blogging/Facebooking – Yay, you all get to listen to progress reports on this blindingly dull topic for the next 3 months. I bet your thrilled already, no? This is an effort to use my weakness against myself and hopefully towards a -good- outcome. I have Sociphobic traits, apparently. I am really quite terrified of disappointing people. Especially my mother.  So I am hoping that by blogging and keeping you guys on board I can blackmail myself into keeping this up out of fear of letting you down. I am my own enemy.

3. Drugs – Because who isn’t medicated these days? I wanted to get Champix, a non-nicotine based pill that combats the withdrawal symptoms, I wanted this because I really could not see the point in nicotine ones. It’s exactly the same, you end up weaning yourself off patches instead of cigarettes, and patches aren’t as enjoyable. However. This did not come to pass. I went to see my Doctor this morning and he was…strongly against giving me Champix as it’s known side-effect is that it is said to cause depression, and with my…colorful mental health history he didn’t want to give me that as anything but a last option. I caved and opted to -try- the Nicotine patches first.

So far day one has gone okay. I’m not in a hideous mood,  am however a little restless and fidgety. I also had my blood pressure taken and he measured and weighed me. And I do not weight as much as I thought I did, this is always good news and leads nicely into part two.


I have a wedding dress to fit into, yo.

This seems a very silly thing to need it own topic on the surface, but i shall explain. However first here is the basic plan. I need to lose about a stone, perhaps a stone and a half. I plan to do this by cutting out junk food, save for Friday nights, cutting down in snackage, and replacing easy and face microwave food-stuffs with more…better…things. Yes. Also, I need to start eating breakfast. Example: Toast for breakfast. Boiled rice and a tin of Tuna fish for lunch. A fruit yogurt bar for afternoon snack instead of crisps, and some sort of decent home-cooked dinner in the evening. Added to this is working 6 hours a day chasing around after four year olds, and I plan to walk or cycle for an hour at least three times a week. This starts tomorrow.

Here’s the catch.

The ‘catch’ loomed out at me in pixilated green text from my Doctors computer screen just this morning, which for once wasn’t angled away from me, right up there at the top of my record under the ”Notes to be aware of” section where most might find heart conditions, genetic family traits and other such. ”Chronic Depression. Anorexia Nervosa.”

This is why this section required it’s own section as it is interesting in it’s own right, albeit perhaps only to me. I was fully discharged two years ago. I am what they call ‘Recovered’. I disagree with this word, but that I will go into in another post, but I do agree that I am stable, I am happy and I am content. I am healthy. My ‘Goal weight’ is still, marginally above my ‘LWL’ Lowest Weight Limit, meaning that my doctor will be happy enough with me being that weight. So long as I stay that weight. This is where the crux lies. I am at this point, after two years, certain I can venture into the misty realms of weight loss and remain in control. My problem is not losing weight, it is stopping, and I believe myself to be of solid enough mind to manage that now, but I will also be blogging about this, as it will be an interesting test of the practices and coping methods I have build up around myself, especially without the smoking-anxiety-relief, and I am all for testing and challenging myself.I do not see this going badly, I am confident in my own strength and control over this disorder, nonetheless, I assure you I have an intricate web of safety nets woven for dire emergencies, just in case.  So that is my question for the foreseeable future;

Can one venture back into the rabbit hole, and come out in one piece?

Published in: on March 31, 2010 at 10:30 pm  Comments (6)  

Tantrums and Tiara’s

Ask the child why it is born; ask the flower why it blossoms; ask the sun why it shines. I love you because I must love you.
– George P. Upton

The Date

The date will be the 5th of July, 2011. This is a Tuesday, and it is this date for several reasons. 2011 is to obviously allow us enough planning and saving time and for all you lot to have enough time to book this date free, we went with July as it’s in the summer Holidays, making it easier for the silly number of teachers in my family who would otherwise struggle to get the day off, and because, fingers crossed, the weather should be nice then. We choose the 5th as it became our date, without us actually realizing. Our relationship is decorated with tiny, pointless but yet kinda cool coincidences, for example: Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorite books, I was re-reading it in the airport on the 5th of March waiting for my plane over to see Aaron, two weeks ago I found out the movie will be released on no other date but the 5th of March. Likewise, I met Aaron on the 5th of March, despite having known him quite some time before this. I then moved over there on the 5th of April, and then moved back here on the 5th of June. None of this was planned, that is just the way the cards fell, and as such I think it is only right we continue this and get married on the 5th.  So there you go folks. Keep it free.

The Venue

We will be holding both the Service and the Reception at Lusty Beg, County Fermanagh, which is about half an hour from our house. To get to it you need to cross a bridge ff the mainland to Boa Island, then get a tiny ferry across to Lusty Beg Island. It’s an island off an Island, set in the Lough Erne. As the ‘Hotel’ is the only thing on the island its quite nice. The Hotel itself is very small, housing a bar and restaurant area and a larger events room for weddings. Surrounding this they have small Chalet’s, which are rent able small self catering wood-cabins, and they have buildings housing individual rooms, which are very nice also.  Some Pictures? I think so:

Chalet, Lusty Beg

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
– W.B. Yeats

Individual rooms

Individual rooms

We will be having a civil ceremony obviously, but more details on that when I know more and if any of it is interesting. We do face a choice that is difficult to make. To have it outside or inside. The difficulty in this is that living here, I know you cannot depend on the weather, at all. That and, I have seen where their hold their outside services and..well…I just don’t think you will all fit:

Beautiful...but tiny.

On the other hand we have the indoors option, which is the same room they use for the meal, sadly Google only gave me a picture of it set up for chow-down and not for a service, but you get the idea. Nice big stained glass window.

On nom nom

Maids, dresses, flowers and shoes!

I’m a girl. This is my favorite bit. On request from Aaron who wanted four groomsmen I have chosen four Bridesmaids; My Step-sister Kathryn, my two Cousins Emma and Louise and my bestest buddy Sherri. Which was a great choice as within a few weeks my in-box was filled with links such as ”Check this out a treasure hunt Hen Night”. I love my girls. And Sherri who gave up a day of her Christmas holiday to trudge around Belfast in the blistering cold, armed with a ton of magazine cutting’s she saved for me, to look at dresses. I also plan on going shopping with Mummy-dearest and Emma and Louise at Easter to take another look around although, within trying on three dresses with Sherri I think I found ‘It’. I know this because Sherri got all teary eyed, bless her, and I wanted my Mummy. But I am saying no more on this other than: I LOVE IT, IT’S BEAUTIFUL.

Flowers! This one part was not negotiable. This is the part I have known for years was always going to be what it is, and as such it has set the color scheme. I was very close to my Grandparents on my Mum’s side, heart-breakingly they both passed away within a year of each other when I was 12/13.  At my Nana’s funeral I put a deep red rose on her coffin, and at my Papa’s, I put a White Calla Lilly, the single petaled one. As such, my wedding flowers are going to be deep red roses and white lillies, this is my way of having them there. I’m not sure on the shape of the bouquet yet but it will be something like this, for those of you who want to dress to match the theme:


As such, my Bridesmaids are going to be in a dark red/Burgundy color. This I had all planned out, it was only when I started looking into wedding magazines etc that I realized all the other things needed, such as shoes, lingerie, Jewelery etc. But these are all trifling and actually rather dull topic’s, so I won’t bore you with them.

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
– Ogden Nash

Food, Pictures and Dancing.

Food, I have not yet decided, but it will be yummy. Photographer is one of the things I am struggling with as I have been looking through all the local photographers, and can’t shake the constant thought ”I could do it better”. Which is horrible and leaves me in a pickle without a photographer who will do a job as well as I want it done, knowing the field. This one is going to take more research. There is one I found that I liked, but he is from Dublin and VERY expensive. Bad times.

And then we have the biggest crux of the entire thing. I have almost everything sorted. Invitations, table favors, guest lists, guest books, flowers, table center’s, hair, make up, dresses, accessories. Everything. Except the Music. Now, in saying this I know I want a DJ, as only they could provide the varied music we want, but we need to find one who charges by the hour and doesn’t just come in, play four hours and bugger off. I want to make the most of my party. This should not be all that hard. The hard part is the first dance. I have already picked a second dance song for my Daddy and me, but the first dance one is plaguing my waking moments. Note to younger generations, Don’t marry a Metallica fan. Not that I have anything against rock or metal, at all, I just…don’t want to have my first dance with my new husband on my wedding day to noisy screamy heavy metal. This however has yet to be decided and I like all you lot, await eagerly his blog post on wedding songs.

We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
– Sam Keen

Published in: on February 23, 2010 at 3:04 pm  Comments (10)  

Black Library Live

I have eventually decided what I want to use this blog for, and the long awaited answer was as simple as ”Whatever the hell I feel like”. So no, this won’t be a topical blog as I am terrible at them, it will instead be a mish-mash of life, thoughts, goings on, ventures in art and anything else I feel like posting up here. It may even be the ”Behind the Scenes’ to Aaron’s work blog, for those of you only reading this as it was linked off his site.SO with that out of the way onto the actual post.

Black Library Live.

This is by far my favorite event, mostly because it is so small and imitate and you actually get a chance to talk to people, rather than the factory line race of bigger events, and it’s in the BL Headquarters themselves which I am much more familiar with and ergo, much more comfortable with, as I know everyone there.  Anyway, we flew over on Thursday, my darling husband to be had asked Lynn for the 2pm flight and forgotten, however, to check the actual time on the boarding passes when it was booked. This resulted in a spree of madness when at 1.15am on Wednesday night I printed them off to find it wasn’t 2pm at all, but in fact 7.30 am. After grabbing a very tossy-turny two hour nap we set out at 4 in the morning to get there on time. Aaron bless him hadn’t slept at this point. Regardless of starting rushes, we made it on time and the flight went smoothly. Another of the times I love about BL is that they, and I don’t know if it’s intentional or not, send us the same guy to collect us each time, his name is Colin and hes utterly lovely.

After checking in and cleaning up, we had a small debate of sorts which landed us at the mutual conclusion that after 5 hours of travelling, and very little sleep, and it being 9 or 10 am still, the only thing, in the world that would aid this situation would be Macdonalds breakkie. So of we trekked, after which we headed over to the Black Libary HQ.

The Black Library Offices are magic. I would hate to do an office job, except here, the only offices in the world I would give a limb to be part of. They have a brilliant atmosphere and the people are amazing. They have been incredibly lucky to have a full team full of brilliant folks. And it was these brilliant folks that took turns keeping us company as we flopped down in Bugman’s and didn’t move all day as the fatigue started to set in.

So tired were we that by 7.30 that evening we were both tucked up in bed sound asleep. This is an anomaly. I often go to bed ‘early’ as I have a day job, but never before 11pm. Aaron, however, is often only up a few hours by this time, so this was a very odd sensation, as was waking up at 7.30 the next morning, and not rushing to get out as we casually strolled for a lovely hotel breakfast.

Friday was a blast. While Aaron hung out with Graham, Dan and Jim, discussing the future directions of the Heresy and likely a lot of other nonsense, I went to help set-up for Saturday. Caroline, Mark, Mal, Rik, many others and me spent the day unpacking thousands of books, while bopping around to Barry White, all in the spirit of Valentines, of course. Thousands of books were set out, hundreds of posters were tacked up, using some ingenious resourceful techniques at times, and laughs were had.

My quest to try and find out if there were plans in the pipeline for new Sisters of Battle models failed, as the Design studio and the Forge World guys, although lovely, are like secret agents, so on that count I’m back to watching for updates. When the boys eventually emerged from their meeting we all headed back to the Hotel, for a quite wash and change before dinner. Dinner was at the lovely little Italian restaurant called Zizzi’s, in the City Center, featuring, Lindsey and Rick Priestly, Dan, Graham, Sandy, Jim, Nick, and Aaron and I. The general theme of the night was a good deal of audio discussions, movies, script writing and of course, comic’s. Dan is actually a very interesting guy to talk to about Comic’s. After a beautiful blackcurrant sorbet, Nick dragged Graham, Jim, Aaron and I out for drinks and Graham took us to the amazing little pub,  called The Turf Tavern. I loved this place, beads strung over the mirrors, Bettie Page, Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe on the walls, and a barman of equal measures of bizarre and awesome. He had one of those french villain from the Black and White movie mustaches. I wanted to take a picture but I would have felt rude.  And then came Sautrday.

The Event itself. On arriving and spotting the que at the door we did stop for a moment and debate throwing Dan to them and making a break for it, but thankfully Nick came and let us in a side door before any Dan-Sacrificing. We spent the day bustling about form readings and signings to the Greenroom for coffee and chocolate. While Aaron was signing I snuck into the greenroom to see the Mini Mcneill, little Evan is, I swear to you, one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen, and his heart-melting little grin sent my broody nature into overdrive. It is, somewhat of a miracle that this organ-melting little wonder, with his cheeky little grins as he tried to chew Lindsy’s  Games Day Trousers in fascination, still remains in his parents custody and I am not being jailed for kidnap. It took all my mental strength. I am quite proud of myself.

Sadly, just as I got to meet the wonderful Sarah, Ben and little Jamie for a drink, Bugman’s closed early and booted us out after one pint. This was a dire shame and shall have to be rectified next time round. So we retired to the Hotel where a shattered Aaron slept and I watched a billion Vampire programs on TV while utterly perplexed at the fascination and fad that seems to have developed over them. On Sunday, after a long day of traveling we got home about 9pm to find a pile of boxes, mostly for Aaron, beyond which lay the destruction of Loken. Who had tossed all the mail off the table, and it now lay scattered all over the floor in a white and blue rainbow screaming ‘Pay me!’. And of course half the contents of the bin lay strewn across the kitchen floor. I left this for the night, and am about to go tackle it now. Silly cat.

This was a little rushed and jammed together without thought so for that I am sorry. I shall likely have another update for you tomorrow on the topic of ”Other Things.”. How creative am I?

Until then, I had an excellent weekend and it was brilliant meeting you all again and thank you all for making it such a great event.

Much love,


Published in: on February 15, 2010 at 2:45 pm  Comments (6)  

“Whutch-you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”

“We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until… we have stopped saying “It got lost,” and say “I lost it.””
–Sydney J. Harris

They say it happens gradually. Somewhere in your twenties, between going to university and getting your first job and apartment you learn, slowly, subtly, through practice and necessity, how to function as an adult. I however did not go to University, and adulthood certainly did not happen gradually or subtly. It instead happened all at once, with all the subtlety of a brick in the small of your back.

7 Signs that you’re an Adult

1. You pay for things you can’t hold in your hands.

2. You feel the emotion: Shame.

3.  People don’t think it’s cute when you fuck up.

4. You stop receiving handwritten mail

5. You have to wake yourself up on time

6.  You choose to wear sweaters

7. You worry about not getting a Boner

At this time last year,  was 20, single, living at home and working 12 hours a week in a local bowling alley. Food was put on the table every night for me, rent and bills were paid without me ever even being aware of it.  My entire wage packet went on luxuries and night’s out.  The Blissful life of a teenager. I can admit, without any hesitation, I was ungrateful for what I had, this is not to say I treated my Mother badly, or in any way close to it, only that, now having experienced the effort and time all these things take I look back and realize just what my Mother gave me and how difficult that is to do, and I now believe nothing short or kissing the ground she walked on would have sufficed, for I could not do what she has done for the past 20 years of my existence, and certainly not with the calm cool temperament she does.  However I derail from the point. The point here is the different 12 much too short months can make in life.

Today, one year later, the picture is very different.

I’m now 21, and living in a house I rent with my Fiance, Aaron Dembski-Bowden. I now pay my half of all the house bills and repairs and food and travel and car expenses. I run a part-time business in Photography, and up until this week have worked a15 hour week in retail although this was a placeholder and bill-payer until I got a job I wanted, which I now have, I sign a contract on Monday to work full-time in a Nursery/pre-school. Within 12 months I have learned to pay bills, get jobs, budget, run, manage and maintain a house, clean, cook, change fuses, unfreeze and unblock pipes and drains. Adulthood was not what I expected.

To me, being grown-up meant smoking cigarettes, drinking cocktails, and dressing up in high heels and glamourous outfits. – Lorna Luft

To be honest, I do all these things, but I do them much less than I thought I would, thank you recession. When your a kid you seem to glass over the nitty-gritty of being grown up and focus on just the nice parts. Like naming your own bed-time, dessert before dinner, and left over Chinese for breakfast.  I think one of the things I struggled with most was ‘Paying for things you can’t hold’, like electricity, and heat, and rent. I have this preset view of them ‘just being there’, but they aren’t and they cost a surprising a mount of money to have.  To Conquer this I tried, while paying my rent and bills to remind myself that I’m not paying for nothing, but am in fact paying for the privileged of having ‘my own place’ and the right to make my own decisions about and within it. However, it still has that salty tang of disappointment you get at 7, when your aunt’s Christmas present is socks and a homemade sweater and not a new Barbie set.

You Know You’re No Longer A Kid When

  • Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it any more.
  • Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun.
  • Being bad is no longer cool.
  • You have friends who have kids.
  • Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
  • Your parents’ jokes are now funny.
  • You have once said, “Whutch-you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”
  • You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, ’cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
  • Two words: parachute pants
  • Naps are good.
  • Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
  • You have once deemed Space Invaders as “the best game ever.”
  • When things go wrong, you can’t just yell, “Do-over!”
  • The only thing in your cereal box is … cereal.
  • You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
  • Your idea of fun parties now include chips ‘n’ salsa and Snapple.
  • You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
  • You WANT clothes for Christmas.
  • You don’t want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
  • You’ve bought an album on vinyl.
  • You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

None the less you get up and get on with it and get things done, and though it might not fit your glamorous idea’s of adulthood, you go to work, you come home, you make the dinner and you clean the house. Because at the end of the day, there’s something to be said for the subtle joy of waking up in the morning, in your own bed, in your own house, and laying there an extra few minutes, just because you can to watch your loved one sleep.  This is my secret joy, Aaron sleeping is one of my favorite moments of my day, he looks beautiful asleep, calm, content and at peace.

”After that he didn’t talk so much about events as he did about ideas. And the older I got, the more philosophical he seemed to get. I don’t know if he really got more philosophical or if he just thought I could handle it now that I was in the double digits. Mostly the thing he talked about floated around me, but once in a while something would happen and I would understand exactly what he meant. “A painting is more than the sum of its parts,” he would tell me, and then go on to explain how a cow by itself is just a cow, and the meadow by itself is just grass and flowers, and the sun peeking through the trees is just a beam of light, but put them all together and you’ve got magic.”


Published in: on January 29, 2010 at 2:36 pm  Comments (2)  
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